How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
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