I could make wine with my vomit
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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