i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
