i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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