If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize