do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
