How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
