we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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