life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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