Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
