Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
