Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
