I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
