my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize