She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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