the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
