tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
