dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
