Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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