Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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