Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
