I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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