If that was your dad, he is hot
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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