Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize