Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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