I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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