I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
