When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
