dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize