Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
