Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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