Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
