Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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