So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
