everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
