do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
