Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
