Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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