ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
