Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
