life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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