my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
