I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
