John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
