Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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