He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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