i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize