you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
