I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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