So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
