I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
