ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize