I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
