someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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