this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
