Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
