i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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