I'm going to jail i love you
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
