On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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